Unsettled Christianity

Gloria Dei homo vivens – St Irenaeus
October 31st, 2016 by Joel Watts

You might be a Lutheran if…

…you only serve Jell-O in the proper liturgical color for the season.

…you didn’t know chow mein noodles were a Chinese food.

…when someone mentions red and green (in terms of Christmas), you immediately think of a battle over hymnals.

…during the entire service you hold your hymnal open but never look down at it.

…during communion you hum the hymns so you can see who’s at church that Sunday.

…rather than introducing yourself to a visitor at church, you check their name out in the guestbook.

…you think Garrison Keillor’s stories are totally factual.

…you have your wedding reception in the fellowship hall and feel guilty about not staying to help clean up.

…a midlife crisis means switching from the old hymnbook to the new one.

…you forget to put water in the baptismal font but never forget to put water in the coffee pot.

…the pastor skips the last hymn to make sure church lasts exactly 60 minutes.

…you make spaghetti at your house with the little macaroni noodles because they’re not so messy then.

…you don’t make eye contact when passing someone in the hall because you think it’s impolite.

…your choir believes volume is a fair substitute for tonality.

…you don’t know what was sooo funny about dat movie “Fargo” then.

…in response to someone jumping up and shouting “Praise the Lord!”, you politely remind him or her that we don’t do that around here.

…you think a meeting isn’t legitimate unless it’s at least three hours long.

…peas in your tuna noodle hotdish add too much color.

…you make change in the offering plate for a ten.

…your dad’s name is Luther N., your brother is Luther Hahn and you are Lew Theran.

…you think butter is a spice.

…the church is on fire, and you rush in to save the coffee pot.

…you have more than five flavors of Jell-O in your pantry.

…you know what a “dead spread” is.

…you talk to someone else and look at their shoes first.

…you have more than three friends whose first names have the letter “j” as the second letter.

…the only open pew is up front, so you volunteer to shovel the sidewalk.

…Ole and Lena are really the names of your relatives.

…you know what a Lutheran Church Basement Woman is.

…you give a party and don’t tell anyone where it is.

…you think hotdish is one of the major food groups.

…http://www.luthbro.com is one of your bookmarks.

…your five-year-old recites the Old Testament books as Genesis, Exodus, Lutefisk…

…someone asks you after church if there’s any “decaf coffee” and you laugh because you KNOW that if it doesn’t have caffeine, it can’t be coffee!

…you think anyone who says “casserole” instead of “hotdish” is trying to be uppity (or maybe even Episcopalian!)

…you think the term “Jell-O salad” is redundant.

…you freeze the leftover coffee from fellowship hour for next week. (HT)

Joel Watts
Watts holds a MA in Theological Studies from United Theological Seminary. He is currently a Ph.D. student at the University of the Free State, analyzing Paul’s model of atonement in Galatians, as well as seeking an MA in Clinical Mental Health at Adams State University. He is the author of Mimetic Criticism of the Gospel of Mark: Introduction and Commentary (Wipf and Stock, 2013), a co-editor and contributor to From Fear to Faith: Stories of Hitting Spiritual Walls (Energion, 2013), and Praying in God's Theater, Meditations on the Book of Revelation (Wipf and Stock, 2014).

Comments

18 Responses to “You might be a Lutheran if…”
  1. I guess this is American Lutheran stuff? No green or dark ale? lol

  2. >>>someone asks you after church if there’s any “decaf coffee” and you laugh because you KNOW that if it doesn’t have caffeine, it can’t be coffee!<<<

    OMG – I'm Lutheran!

  3. For some reason I don’t get ANY of these….except “in response to someone jumping up and shouting “Praise the Lord!”, you politely remind him or her that we don’t do that around here.”

  4. Someone please fill me in on the Jello? Is it a Scandinavian thing?

  5. “you make spaghetti at your house with the little macaroni noodles because they’re not so messy”, and they only use Velveeta cheese. Real cheese has bacteria in it (yuck).

  6. I’m writing to invite you to join the new Bible Gateway Blogger Grid (BG²). If you’d like details, email me. Thanks.

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