If you think Mike and Ike (candy, dude, candy) symbolize Gay divorce, you may in fact be…

Tony Perkins. What? No, seriously. He said this:

These days, you can’t get a sugar high without experiencing a cultural low. Hello, I’m Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council in Washington, D.C. There’s trouble in candy land. After more than 70 years together, Mike & Ike are calling it quits. The duo is staging a gay divorce as part of a new ad campaign to draw in younger customers. In this society, even candy has an agenda! From Facebook to Tumblr, the fruity pair says, “The rumors are true. We just couldn’t agree on stuff anymore.” Starting this summer, the company will spend $15 million on billboards and TV commercials that poke fun at the breakup. It’s just another subtle example of society chipping away at the value of marriage. And I don’t know what’s more disturbing–that advertisers think divorce appeals to kids or that sexualizing candy will make people buy more. After a year-long build-up, the company will reveal if the couple reconciles. Until then, look for Mike & Ike to have a distinctly liberal flavor.

Where did he get that from? I guess he either conjured it up himself (hiding something Tony? You know, two guys can have a platonic, er, I mean, non-homosexual friendship. Just look at David and Jonathon) or stole it from the funny folks at HuffPo.

Now, the original story and the original intent is not gay divorce, but something along the lines of a band break up.

The character Mike wrote on Tumblr on Tuesday: “So over it. Instead of all this hassle, now I’m just gonna jam.” Later, he adds, “I can’t wait to share with you all the stuff I have in mind — sick music festivals, dope new songs, a music video.”

I’m afraid for Tony and everyone else who sees the gay boogey man behind every corner, or same-sex friendship.

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