New Advanced Revision Bible NAR to Hit Shelves in March

From here is the satire of the week:

The highly anticipated NAR version of the Bible is set to hit bookstores on March 1, with Bible signings being held the same day in Orlando, Abbotsford BC, Denton TX, Phoenix, and Palm Springs. The signings are a free event, yet one must purchase at least two Bibles ($139.95 for the paperback, $299.99 for the leather edition, and $249.99 for the hardback) in order to obtain an autograph from a contributing ICA apostle.

Previews of the new Bible have been mixed. Some call it a supernatural masterpiece of unparalleled proportion, while others call it a heretical bunch of tomfoolish wreckage. One particular passage in Luke has many scholars and laypeople alike in an uproar:

Luke 1:26-39 of the NAR

And in the sixth month, the floating female angel Gabby was sent from God in a green orb through a 6-foot-wide portal unto a city in Galilee named Nazareth. She was sent to a virgin engaged to a man whose name was Joey, of the house of Davey, and the virgin’s name was Mary. And the angel landed from the portal very smoothly and said, while floating three feet off the ground, ‘Hello, shinga dong ding, you that are favored because you have always been a tither off your gross income, the Lord is with you, and blessed are you among tithing women.’

And when she saw the 29-foot-tall angel, Mary received this word by faith, knowing that it was true of her. Then, Gabby sprinkled gold dust on her, stating, ‘Smile, Mary, for you are favored by God because you tithe and because you are special. You are also the hungriest for God in all of Israel. And look, you shall conceive a son and name Him JC. He will be great and prosper you financially at all times. And the Lord God shall give Him and you and other special Christians like you the throne of Davey, from which you will dominate the world. You shall reign forever, and of your kingdom there shall be no end.’

Then Mary said unto Gabby, ‘I know this shall be because I am a tither and I am special. But how exactly will this happen physically? I am a virgin.’

Gabby responded, ‘The Holy Ghost shall come upon you, and oil will come out of your belly button for five minutes straight. This is the sign of conception. And look, your cousin Liz has also had the oil sign of supernatural pregnancy; she is already six months pregnant. For with God and enough faith and submission to membershipped apostles and prophets, nothing is impossible. However, this prophetic word is conditional. If you don’t keep tithing off your gross income, it may not happen, girl.’

Mary replied, ‘I’ll keep tithing, so it will happen, Gabby.’ Mary watched glibly as Gabby then turned into a male angel named Gabriel and shot back up to heaven in a turquoise orb via another larger portal. She said, ‘Ha. I am special and anointed, and all the church laypeople will know it now.’ At that point Mary collected the chicken-like feathers left in Gabby/Gabriel’s wake and found an apostle and prophet to submit to. Two days later, the Lord God translated her to China, then Senegal, then back in time to 134 BC, and finally to her cousin Liz’s house, where Zach had just received a gold molar in his mouth, five gemstones in his home office, and some diamond dust on his unusually hairy arms.

Forewards in the NAR Bible include promotions by Todd Bentley, Rick Joyner, Joshua Mills, and an angel named Henry that appeared to Bob Jones in 1977.

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Joel L. Watts
Joel L. Watts holds a Masters of Arts from United Theological Seminary with a focus in literary and rhetorical criticism of the New Testament. He is currently a Ph.D. student at the University of the Free State, analyzing Paul’s model of atonement in Galatians. He is the author of Mimetic Criticism of the Gospel of Mark: Introduction and Commentary (Wipf and Stock, 2013), a co-editor and contributor to From Fear to Faith: Stories of Hitting Spiritual Walls (Energion, 2013), and Praying in God's Theater, Meditations on the Book of Revelation (Wipf and Stock, 2014).

20 thoughts on “New Advanced Revision Bible NAR to Hit Shelves in March”

  1. The religious in America, it seems to me, are getting bored with the bible and decided to create one of their own in order to keep themselves in ‘ready cash’

    The amount of discussions and variations on the ‘one theme’ i.e. the bible, is confusion enough without anyone adding to it.

  2. So you weren’ t able to answer my comment then polycarp and deleted me.

    Says a lot about your lack of respect and even more about your ability not to be able to function on all levels.

    The Lord is obviously more merciful than you

  3. And, really, most oneness believers that I know of do not trace themselves to Azuza. They sight that, like trinitarian pentecostals, for speaking in tongues.

    of course, looking at your sight, I am guessing that you have thought that you might get some hits by coming after a ‘oneness’ believer, but again, you have gotten a few things wrong.

  4. God is more patient than I, HS. You comments were another diatribe, and frankly, if they are unrelated, and offensive to common sense, I am not in the mood to allow them.

  5. HS, I have yet to see you say anything pertaining to doctrinal truth. I know that you fancy yourself a messenger of some new religion, but you miss the mark by a wide distance.

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